In Which Addison Gets Her Decent Night Sleep
by PageBoy15
Summary: It started the night Addison slept with Kevin for the first time. " Dreams of her past plague Addison's LA life. Pete/Addison


It started the night Addison slept with Kevin for the first time. He was the only man she had actually spent the night with since the divorce; in Seattle, after sex with Mark she would always run back down the hotel hallway to her room, partly out of guilt, partly out of shame, mostly out of fear that waking up next to him would once again become habit, and after Karev (_always Karev now, never Alex_), well, there had been babies to deliver and surgeries to perform. But with Kevin, after her breathing had returned to normal and the sweat began to evaporate off her skin, he had simply whispered _goodnight_ in her ear before they drifted off to sleep.

At first she thought the dream had been a flashback of a few hours before, a sign that her hormones hadn't quiet settled, but then she realized the two lovers in her mind weren't her and Kevin, it was Mark and Charlene, Mark and the slutty peds nurse who had been the final catalyst to send her running back to Derek, and then Dream Mark looked up and saw her but he didn't look guilty and he didn't stop and his eyes burned with the accusation of _this is why you killed our baby, right?_ She backed out of the on-call room and as the door slammed behind her she woke up shaking.

"Hey," Kevin murmured groggily next to her, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing." Her voice was steady but there was shattering in her head. "Nothing, I'm fine, go back to sleep."

-o-

The dreams didn't stop. The second time it was the memory of her and Mark screaming at each other over her packed suitcases and when she finally awoke she stayed that way for hours as Kevin breathed next to her. The time after that she was pulling Meredith Grey's panties out of her husband's tux pocket and the feeling of lace and elastic and misery lasted with her for the rest of the following day. The time after that it was Derek breaking her heart and ruining Christmas with one fateful sentence; the time after that it was the taxi ride back from the clinic, the ride that went on forever, her regret and emptiness rising with the meter. She perfected the art of waking without stirring; terrified that Kevin would pick up on the pattern and ask what the hell was the matter with her. Addison wished she knew.

-o-

It began to take a toll. She showed up each day at work with a splitting headache and dark circles under her eyes. Naomi, ever the protective mother, was the first to ask what was wrong.

"Oh nothing, I just haven't been getting enough sleep, that's all."

"Still in the honeymoon phase with your cop?" Naomi had been such a fan of her dating Not-A-Doctor from the very beginning, that Addison didn't want to admit that she had broke it off with Kevin a week ago. The dreams had started with him and, childish as it was, she had begun to resent him for it. "Still in the honeymoon phase with your ex-husband?"

It was an excellent deflection. Even Violet would have been impressed.

-o-

Addison tried sleeping pills but they just made the dreams longer and harder to escape. She tried working herself as hard as possible, staying up as long as she could, but then the dreams just crashed down on her like an avalanche, harsh and painful and utterly unstoppable. Coffee became her new best friend. She was gulping a cup down in the kitchen when Pete snuck up behind her.

"Isn't that like, your third cup today?"

"Not all of us enjoy organic tea, you know. Stop counting my coffee cups."

She stared determinately down at the morning paper, pointedly ignoring his quizzical stare.

"Look, I don't mean to pry-"

"Then don't."

"But are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I'm not buying that. Friends don't let friends walk around looking miserable."

"I'm not miserable, I just…" It had been harder than she thought it would be to do friendship with Pete. Weeks ago, she had stopped asking him for advice on her relationship because it was awkward and because she had kept on getting distracted with fantasies of him jumping up and threatening to duel Kevin for her hand.

"What is it?"

"I just… I've been having nightmares for the past few weeks, but it's nothing." Okay, that wasn't supposed to come out. Damn cute doctor boys and their nice eyes.

"Oh." Pete blinked. "About what?"

"Does it matter? I don't know, I can't remember. Look I'm okay, really."

"Why don't you come by my office when you're done with your patients for the day. Maybe I can help."

"Honestly, I'm not really in the mood for a powerful rush of emotions right now, thanks."

He grinned. "I have other things you know. C'mon Addison, just let me try once. I promise I won't ask you to take your clothes off."

"Fine." She brushed past out of the kitchen before he could say anything else. Pete had the unnerving ability to talk her into things she would steadfastly avoid otherwise. Acupuncture for one. Risky relationships with admitted commit-phoebes for another. And damn him, in spite of everything, in spite of sweet, available Officers of the Peace and unrelenting night terrors, she was still open to being talked into the latter.

-o-

Addison, still remembering the entire crew hovering over Charlotte King's resting body, waited until everyone had left before knocking on Pete's office door. "Hey, take a seat. I just need to finish mixing something for you, it's been known to be more effective then pills for inducing restful sleep."

"Oh, um, okay." Addison perched on the end of the table. "That smells weird."

"No, that green gunk you drink every day smells weird. This smell healthy." She could practically feel his smug alternative medicine glory radiating from across the room. "So when did the nightmares start anyway?"

"None of your business."

"What is it with you sleep deprived women and your need to fight against any sort of help? I did this once before, remember? Here drink this. No, don't wrinkle your nose at it just drink it."

"I'm not a child." Addison downed it in one gulp. It tasted like wheat grass and milk.

"Lie down and try to relax. I'll be back in a little bit to check on you."

The act of falling asleep itself was never something Addison claimed to have trouble with. By the time Pete dimmed the lights her eyelids were already flittering shut.

-o-

"_You screw my best friend and all you can say is he was just here? Get out!"_

Derek's hands were gripping her wrist so tightly it was painful and then all of a sudden she was outside sobbing and the brownstone door was slamming in her face and she could see his figure through the glass but she couldn't get to him and it was raining but she couldn't get in no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get in and it was happening all over again the whole thing only this time it was worse because this time she knew what was going to happen knew that this wasn't rock bottom yet not by a long shot but she could stop it all if she could just get in and why wasn't the door opening_ why couldn't she get back in why couldn't she fix this why why why why why_ –

"Addison! _ADDISON_!" Hands were on her again but they were softer, gentler, and they weren't letting go, they were shaking her awake, but thank god they weren't letting go.

"Oh my god," the world spun back into focus and she was sitting up on Pete's acupuncture table, pale and shaky and terrified. "Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygodohmygod…"

"Hey!" He was still clutching her forearms. "Hey, Addison, breathe, okay? Look at me, you're okay, just breathe."

All of a sudden, the sobs starting spilling out of her and then Pete's arms were around her and her face was pushing into the crook of his neck and as he stroked her hair all she could say was, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…"

-o-

She was about four vodka glasses in when the doorbell rang. Addison opened the door to find Pete standing there, no wine bottle in hand. Damn. "Whatdoyouwant." In her drunken stupor the question came out as one word. It probably would have been easier just to say _Leave_, that's what she meant either way.

"You've been avoiding me for the past week."

"Have not."

"Yes, you have. Don't you think we should talk about – "

"NO. I'm fine."

"You're drinking by yourself on a work night."

"Yeah, well, your holistic bullshit didn't work so I'm trying an old fashioned remedy. Booze until you pass out."

"Alright that's it." Pete pushed past her and shrugged off his leather jacket.

"What do you think you're doing?" Luckily for Addison, she could pull off haughtily indignant even on her way to getting completely plastered.

"I'm not leaving you alone tonight. So either you come to your senses and walk upstairs with me or I carry you there myself. Your choice."

"I choose you getting the hell out my house."

"Okay I'm going to go ahead and blame your bitchiness on the fact that apparently you have slept in like, a year. Jesus, Addison, I'm trying here, so can you drop all the self-reliant crap and let me help."

"I _did_ let you help and you just made things worse. And it's because of men like you that I'm in this mess to begin with so will you just _go_ already?"

"No."

She glared at him for a few seconds before slamming her glass down on the counter.

"Fine." Stomping up the stairs, Addison called over her shoulder. "But you're keeping your damn clothes on and your hands to yourself."

-o-

They were lying silently in her bed, Addison placing herself as close to the edge as possible without tumbling over, her back to him, when Pete asked the inevitable question.

"What did you mean men like me?"

She tried breathing heavily out of her nose so he would think she was sleeping.

"That's not working."

Addison turned over to face him. He was on his back but face was tilted in her direction, and she could make out his features by the glow of the street lamp outside. "Why do you care?"

"I don't know. But I do." If it has been Mark or Derek or anyone else, it would have been all too easy to take his words as an excuse to inch forward and press her lips on his. But it was those kind of decisions that were, quite literally, haunting her nightly, so instead she just turned her gaze to the ceiling. And she started talking.

"They're about New York. That's where I was living when I cheated on my husband with his best friend. Back in your office I was dreaming about when he walked in. And it's… stupid. Because it's been like, a year and a half, and it's all over and everyone's moved on but now every night, I'm right back there again. And I don't know how to make them stop. " She wiped her hand across her cheek to find moisture there. Fantastic. How many times was she going to cry in front of this man? "You can leave now if you want, I wouldn't blame you."

"No, I'm not going to do that. I am going to break your second rule though." And then Pete reached over and pulled her closer, brushing her forehead with a kiss.

"Everyone makes mistakes Addison. And it is all over, okay? I promise."

There was more to say, a lot more, and somewhere in the back of her head the thought that this had probably just passed more then 'just fun' was waiting to be mulled over, but right then all Addison did was nuzzle closer into him as he wrapped one arm around her waste and pressed his face into her hair. When she woke up the next morning she found that neither of them had moved an inch. It was the first time since the divorce that she had slept with a man without actually having sex. There had been no dreams.


End file.
